The bass bumps against the doors of my Hyundai. My
windows are rolled down and my sunglasses shade my eyes, showing me the world
ahead in a softer tone. CDs made by old friends skip from being overplayed. I'm
singing at the top of my lungs, because it's the only way to free myself from
the reality that haunts me every day.
For the past year, I have barely touched this blog.
I like to think that it's because I'm way too busy with school or work or maybe
I just lost my touch at compelling writing. My image of myself is much different
than it was a year ago. I used to think very highly of myself. I saw myself as
an actress, an honor's student, and a great friend. Over the past year though, these have been
quickly escaping my grasp.
It's been more than a year since I've stepped on a
stage. During my senior year my high school put on a production of "Steel Magnolias".
I hadn't even second guessed (for too long) that I would make it. I had a lot
of success in the past years and competitions with the drama department, and
I'll be honest... I thought I was good. When I read down the cast list
and saw my name was nowhere to be found I broke down inside. It was the
beginning of becoming an adult for me. It was the first time I started
realizing how unrealistic I was. I had big dreams of Boston and theater and doing
what I loved, forever. Those dreams both quickly and slowly crumbled in front
of my eyes as the days passed. I never forgave myself for that audition. For
not only disappointing myself, but my family. It stripped me of my pride as an
actress and stopped me from pursuing acting. I miss it so much. There is
nothing better than the feel of the heat from the stage lights, the hushed
whispers of an audience, the crew's smiles behind the set, the cast dinners,
the hugs, the tears, the stress, everything. I'm hurt to see that part of my
life fade away. Sometimes, it feels like it’s too late to turn back. I’d give
anything for a second chance.
School used to be a strong point for me. No, I
wasn't a straight-A student, but I was comfortable with my grades. Usually, I
would get a few A's, some B's and maybe one C. It kept my confidence high
enough to want to continue learning and trying. But that was high school. Now
that I'm at college, the workload is more, and so is the free time. Often I
find myself with a drink in hand, rather than a textbook. As a result, my
grades began to slip faster and faster. Soon, I lost faith in myself. I have
given up on trying and have accepted the fact that I'm no longer the student I
once was. Slowly, I am starting to hate myself for being so stupid. For giving
up. For being weak. Now, I'm in danger of failing, actually failing, a majority
of my classes. I don't know what to do anymore, so I hide from it. The pressure
is so deafening that I find any excuse to escape it. The resentment against who
I am is building up quicker than I ever expected.
Which leads me to my next failure: being a great
friend. Although I have kept up with many of my old friendships from the move,
I've completely trashed one of the most important ones in my life. The relationship
I have with myself. Constantly, I'm thinking horrible things about myself. I
tell myself I'm ugly, stupid, annoying, and everything in-between. The
negativity coming from school, work, and life in general is turning into my own
personal torture chamber in my head. All my life I have loved myself more than
most people love themselves. I've always felt confident in who I was and what I
did, now-not so much. Never have I been the girl to rack in such low self-esteem,
and suddenly that's changing. And it's scary.
All of these things have been building up over the
past year. I've been failing at almost everything I used to be proud of. It
hurts. And it sucks, for lack of a better term. I stopped writing because I
feared to see it on paper. I didn’t want to be true, even if I know it is. I
didn’t want to admit my faults, and I still am not ready. It's too much to
handle all at once. So, I turn my radio up higher and wipe away my tears. I
take these feelings bottle it deep down inside where no one can see the real
me. Where no one can see the person that is beginning a horrible journey towards
hating everything that I am.
