During New Year's I was going through an extremely rough time in my life. I was miserable, desperate, and lonely. I had spent the last couple years alone in my room in solitude, living a double life on the internet. It ended around New Year's. I needed a change, I needed to live and experience this world I feared. I was never one for making New Year's Resolutions, however this year was different. I needed something stable that I could focus on, something to push me into life again, something to pull me out of my depression. The first of this year I declared I would take more risks. This was the best decision I had made throughout high school. I met some amazing people along the way, and I have some great, great stories in my back pocket. I took my greatest risk yet today.
Many of you who know me are aware about my grudge towards my father. Let's keep it simple and say that it was a huge fight when I was ten years old and I still haven't forgiven him, nor do I plan to anytime soon. That faithful day catapulted me into almost a decade of hatred for my father. Any words that came out of his mouth prickled up my back and released themselves in a tense defense line. My dad and I have never been close. He's tried so hard to win me back, everything from money, to begging, to serious talks. I've even put in some effort with therapy and self-discipline, nothing has worked. I have always had a very difficult time even having a conversation with him without wanting to scream, but today was different.
I woke up grumpy from last night, insomnia has become my new best friend since I moved. I just can't seem to go to sleep and once I get close something bothers me and I become wide awake. It's a torturous process. Finally, around 5 am, my eyes settled down and I drifted to a safe place in my thoughts. I was awaken around 11 am, automatically commanded by my father to help bring in groceries. Who the hell shops this early anyway? I don't say a word as I get little things, passive aggression is my specialty. He softly suggest, keeping a tone that I hate, for me to pack up some of the smaller things and bring them inside. I grab something else with a snappy comment about being tired. It's a normal encounter between us, he's sick of it and I can't seem to let it go. Who knows, maybe I'm afraid of him hurting me again. I don't trust him. I don't like him and it has hurt over the years watching our relationship deteriorate into nothing. Although it is my fault.
I head back upstairs into my room thoroughly ignoring him and his sighs. I win. I pick up my book and go through the daily motions of being lonely with nothing to do on a Saturday in Pennsylvania. A few hours after the incident I'm sitting on the couch engrossed in Keeping up With the Kardashians. I'm telling you guys, her butt is real. My dad strolls over in his awkward way that bothers me and asks if I want to go see fireworks tonight. I sound uninterested, even though I am.
"Who's going?" I ask in my best monotone, I-don't-care teenage voice.
"Well mom has to work and I'll ask Matt when he comes down," he replies not really expecting me to say yes.
He's bracing for the rejection he's felt so many times from me. I say I'll think about it, not once making eye contact with him. My father nods and walks into the kitchen, it's hard for him to give up control. I ponder the thought of actually going. My brother denies the offer, he has work. So that would mean it would be just me and my father. Two people who don't agree on anything and are both power hungry assholes. The good experiences I've had my father I can count on one hand, not including my thumb. But, I don't have plans for tonight and I'm dying to get out of this house. Eventually, he asks me again. Quickly I review the pros and cons in my head. The cons outweigh the pros by far. But, something twerks me to remember my purpose here. I want to challenge myself, and I'm still not done with this year so taking more risks is still on my list. He waits for the final blast of rejection. His face is sunken. My dad's tired from the long move, his eyes look dull, he's really trying so hard to connect with me on any level. For once, I feel bad for the guy. I nod my head a little.
"Yeah." I mumble not wanting him to hear me.
"Huh?" he says a shocked look plays across his face. His shoulders perk up, he even looks like he grew back some hair.
"I'll go" I gnash through my teeth, I hate repeating myself even though I set myself up for it.
"Okay! Um, we'll leave about 7 okay?" He's walking on thin ice and he knows it, he doesn't want to screw this up.
I sigh on the outside, but inside I'm smiling. It's been a while since I've gone somewhere alone with my dad, three years to be exact. We went hiking once, I had a great time. Anyway, I like fireworks. We wouldn't have to talk that much. What the hell.
Putting on a cute dress, some sunglasses and my new favorite sandals, I head downstairs. I look cute (as always) and I feel good about myself. Starting off in a good mood was a good decision. I take the dogs for a walk and mentally prepare myself for this new voyage. Luckily, no bunnies decided to show up. As I release them back into the house I grab my purse. I'm missing my headphones, fuck. Those could help me avoid talking to him all together, I frantically pull my room apart searching for them. No luck. I suck it up, I can do this.
We get into the car and about 15 minutes in my dad admits he has a slight idea of where we're going, but isn't actually sure. In other words, we're just winging it. Somehow, we found the train station, miracle number one.Stepping out of the car and onto the platform, we slowly look around. There's cars here but no one is actually here. We've arrived in a ghost town. So what do I do? Take cute pictures of myself by the train tracks of course! My dad's reading maps and smoking a cigarette. We don't know what we're doing. Long story short, we finally realize we're waiting for the wrong train (after an hour and an awkward conversation with a random stranger-hey, he started it). I follow my dad up an escalator, trudging along. Escalators scare me, and we're walking up one?! I wasn't thrilled. Boarding the right train, I smile, we're on our way and somehow I've maintained a good attitude, for me at least. After a few stops and changing trains we finally arrive. Penn's Landing, PA.
We reach the festivities and immediately I light up. There's free music, good music. People are dancing and laughing. There is food everywhere, always a plus. My dad bought me a light up pacifier, I begged for one as a kid and it took me 17 years to finally get one. I'm stoked. We reach a food stand and buy cheeseburgers and cheese curds. They sound disgusting, but they were absolutely delicious. I'm having an amazing time, and so is my dad. Sliding past patrons and excusing ourselves down steps, we reach the waterfront. Oh my god. It was stunning. The Benjamin Franklin Bridge was lit up in red, white, and blue. The water was so perfect and beautiful it seemed artificial. My dad leads me to the edge right at a place to dock a boat. Take more risks, you say? I make my way over the chain blocking pedestrians from the Delaware River, smiling I take a seat upon it. My mom would have flipped, but my dad accepts it and even takes a picture of me. I smile, I'm happy.
The fireworks take their time before the start, but I don't mind, I'm admiring the view and swaying to the music. Finally, the first firework explodes over thousands of awed faces. I don't think I have ever said "wow" so many times in thirty minutes. It was an amazing, beautiful show. The sparkles danced and fell gently into the river, while massive explosions played across the sky. Rays of light shot up into the sky only to become something awe inspiring, simply gorgeous. I have seen fireworks almost every year, I love them. This was,by far, the best, absolute top firework display I have ever had the pleasure of seeing. My day was perfect. It was a welcome to Philly. I felt home. I felt like I belonged in this sea of people. I was happy, I was even happy my dad was with me. He was ecstatic. He won, and I'm glad he did. We had a wonderful evening, and I'm so glad I shared it with him and no one else.
I took the biggest risk by spending eight hours with my dad, alone. I was terrified of the fights we could get into and how this night would end. My dad and I are two very different people. Someone wise once told me, "People are more alike than they are different." She was right. I discovered a lot about my dad tonight, and about myself. It's a small step, but it's a step in the right direction.This slight encouragement has pushed me to take one more risk tonight. I haven't said it in years, but for tonight, I love you Dad.
Many of you who know me are aware about my grudge towards my father. Let's keep it simple and say that it was a huge fight when I was ten years old and I still haven't forgiven him, nor do I plan to anytime soon. That faithful day catapulted me into almost a decade of hatred for my father. Any words that came out of his mouth prickled up my back and released themselves in a tense defense line. My dad and I have never been close. He's tried so hard to win me back, everything from money, to begging, to serious talks. I've even put in some effort with therapy and self-discipline, nothing has worked. I have always had a very difficult time even having a conversation with him without wanting to scream, but today was different.
I woke up grumpy from last night, insomnia has become my new best friend since I moved. I just can't seem to go to sleep and once I get close something bothers me and I become wide awake. It's a torturous process. Finally, around 5 am, my eyes settled down and I drifted to a safe place in my thoughts. I was awaken around 11 am, automatically commanded by my father to help bring in groceries. Who the hell shops this early anyway? I don't say a word as I get little things, passive aggression is my specialty. He softly suggest, keeping a tone that I hate, for me to pack up some of the smaller things and bring them inside. I grab something else with a snappy comment about being tired. It's a normal encounter between us, he's sick of it and I can't seem to let it go. Who knows, maybe I'm afraid of him hurting me again. I don't trust him. I don't like him and it has hurt over the years watching our relationship deteriorate into nothing. Although it is my fault.
I head back upstairs into my room thoroughly ignoring him and his sighs. I win. I pick up my book and go through the daily motions of being lonely with nothing to do on a Saturday in Pennsylvania. A few hours after the incident I'm sitting on the couch engrossed in Keeping up With the Kardashians. I'm telling you guys, her butt is real. My dad strolls over in his awkward way that bothers me and asks if I want to go see fireworks tonight. I sound uninterested, even though I am.
"Who's going?" I ask in my best monotone, I-don't-care teenage voice.
"Well mom has to work and I'll ask Matt when he comes down," he replies not really expecting me to say yes.
He's bracing for the rejection he's felt so many times from me. I say I'll think about it, not once making eye contact with him. My father nods and walks into the kitchen, it's hard for him to give up control. I ponder the thought of actually going. My brother denies the offer, he has work. So that would mean it would be just me and my father. Two people who don't agree on anything and are both power hungry assholes. The good experiences I've had my father I can count on one hand, not including my thumb. But, I don't have plans for tonight and I'm dying to get out of this house. Eventually, he asks me again. Quickly I review the pros and cons in my head. The cons outweigh the pros by far. But, something twerks me to remember my purpose here. I want to challenge myself, and I'm still not done with this year so taking more risks is still on my list. He waits for the final blast of rejection. His face is sunken. My dad's tired from the long move, his eyes look dull, he's really trying so hard to connect with me on any level. For once, I feel bad for the guy. I nod my head a little.
"Yeah." I mumble not wanting him to hear me.
"Huh?" he says a shocked look plays across his face. His shoulders perk up, he even looks like he grew back some hair.
"I'll go" I gnash through my teeth, I hate repeating myself even though I set myself up for it.
"Okay! Um, we'll leave about 7 okay?" He's walking on thin ice and he knows it, he doesn't want to screw this up.
I sigh on the outside, but inside I'm smiling. It's been a while since I've gone somewhere alone with my dad, three years to be exact. We went hiking once, I had a great time. Anyway, I like fireworks. We wouldn't have to talk that much. What the hell.
Putting on a cute dress, some sunglasses and my new favorite sandals, I head downstairs. I look cute (as always) and I feel good about myself. Starting off in a good mood was a good decision. I take the dogs for a walk and mentally prepare myself for this new voyage. Luckily, no bunnies decided to show up. As I release them back into the house I grab my purse. I'm missing my headphones, fuck. Those could help me avoid talking to him all together, I frantically pull my room apart searching for them. No luck. I suck it up, I can do this.
We get into the car and about 15 minutes in my dad admits he has a slight idea of where we're going, but isn't actually sure. In other words, we're just winging it. Somehow, we found the train station, miracle number one.Stepping out of the car and onto the platform, we slowly look around. There's cars here but no one is actually here. We've arrived in a ghost town. So what do I do? Take cute pictures of myself by the train tracks of course! My dad's reading maps and smoking a cigarette. We don't know what we're doing. Long story short, we finally realize we're waiting for the wrong train (after an hour and an awkward conversation with a random stranger-hey, he started it). I follow my dad up an escalator, trudging along. Escalators scare me, and we're walking up one?! I wasn't thrilled. Boarding the right train, I smile, we're on our way and somehow I've maintained a good attitude, for me at least. After a few stops and changing trains we finally arrive. Penn's Landing, PA.
We reach the festivities and immediately I light up. There's free music, good music. People are dancing and laughing. There is food everywhere, always a plus. My dad bought me a light up pacifier, I begged for one as a kid and it took me 17 years to finally get one. I'm stoked. We reach a food stand and buy cheeseburgers and cheese curds. They sound disgusting, but they were absolutely delicious. I'm having an amazing time, and so is my dad. Sliding past patrons and excusing ourselves down steps, we reach the waterfront. Oh my god. It was stunning. The Benjamin Franklin Bridge was lit up in red, white, and blue. The water was so perfect and beautiful it seemed artificial. My dad leads me to the edge right at a place to dock a boat. Take more risks, you say? I make my way over the chain blocking pedestrians from the Delaware River, smiling I take a seat upon it. My mom would have flipped, but my dad accepts it and even takes a picture of me. I smile, I'm happy.
The fireworks take their time before the start, but I don't mind, I'm admiring the view and swaying to the music. Finally, the first firework explodes over thousands of awed faces. I don't think I have ever said "wow" so many times in thirty minutes. It was an amazing, beautiful show. The sparkles danced and fell gently into the river, while massive explosions played across the sky. Rays of light shot up into the sky only to become something awe inspiring, simply gorgeous. I have seen fireworks almost every year, I love them. This was,by far, the best, absolute top firework display I have ever had the pleasure of seeing. My day was perfect. It was a welcome to Philly. I felt home. I felt like I belonged in this sea of people. I was happy, I was even happy my dad was with me. He was ecstatic. He won, and I'm glad he did. We had a wonderful evening, and I'm so glad I shared it with him and no one else.
I took the biggest risk by spending eight hours with my dad, alone. I was terrified of the fights we could get into and how this night would end. My dad and I are two very different people. Someone wise once told me, "People are more alike than they are different." She was right. I discovered a lot about my dad tonight, and about myself. It's a small step, but it's a step in the right direction.This slight encouragement has pushed me to take one more risk tonight. I haven't said it in years, but for tonight, I love you Dad.
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