Click, click, click, my gas stove ignites into a soft blue flame. Pans hit one another as I pull out a large one and a small one. Uncooked noodles clash into each other in their cardboard home. Wet hot dogs are tightly packed, they're cold against my hand. After a long two hours of bowling, I'm making dinner for my brother and I. I like cooking, not real cooking, but something that has directions on the back of the box. For example, I'm a master at Macaroni and Cheese, but rice comes in bags without directions. I have no idea how to make rice. In my seventeen years of life I have tried five times with no success. I don't plan on trying again any time soon.
The water starts to boil, I pull out some leftover green beans and pop them in the microwave for three minutes. After answering a text message, I pour the hard noodles into the steaming water. I'm worried about the hot dogs, they have been in the hot water for a while, I turn the dial down. Finishing my master piece I pull it all together on a plate, leaving the rest in the pots and bowls for my brother to handle.
I head upstairs with my plate and start eating. The radio plays and I'm thinking about myself. I've read books and seen magazines, I've had friends who have intense issues with their bodies. I never learned how to hate myself. I've never had a problem with my weight or my nails. Which some find surprising since I weigh in at about 215 lbs at 5'2'. Modern age tells me I should hate my body, but I just don't see the reason why. I slip the slimy noodles between my lips and ponder my past. I've lost weight before. Once, I dropped 40 lbs while in a teen weight loss program, I was happy then too. Losing weight is something I do when I have nothing else to focus on, the past few years I lost more weight during the summer than any other time. I don't have a problem with gaining weight either. Last week my brother and I went out to eat at a buffet. I filled my plate with starches and enchiladas. I was so hungry. My brother walks over with some sushi in hand and looks at my plate. With disappointment leaking into his voice he says, "That's enough, Amanda"
Embarrassed I reply, "I'm hungry."
"Your eyes are bigger than your stomach," He says under his breath.
I don't say anything, I take the walk of shame to the check out. We head up two flights of stairs and eat on a balcony. The view plays across the mountains and street lights changing from red to green to yellow and red again. Cars zoom past each other and mothers hold their daughters hands. I eat everything on my plate. I'm still hungry. Slightly ashamed of my eating habits in front of a fit, ex-gym employee, I keep it to myself. This doesn't mean I don't love myself. Most people don't openly judge me, so I move past it.
I love food and I'm not afraid to say it. I love exercising too, I walk and run my dogs often now. Being overweight and learning to love myself was easier than most people think. I have beautiful eyes, and I love my hair. If I shop right, I can find the cutest clothes. Sure, more than half of Virginia has seen my butt crack from time to time, but I'm happy with myself. Listening to people complain about their bodies amazes me everyday. I have stretchmarks, two stomachs and you betcha I chafe, but I also have a bright personality, a love for dogs, and did I mention my beautiful eyes? If I focused on all of the "mistakes" my body has it would be impossible to cherish myself as I do today. Physical changes are inevitable throughout life. I'm not the same red head baby that popped out on July 30, 1993, am I? Nor am I still the skinny little six year old, who won the fastest mile in first grade. I've developed and changed, I've gained weight and lost it. I've had scars and burns, stretch marks and freckles. Loving myself has been the greatest gift I could ever give anyone. "You can't love others, until you love yourself," it's a quote that means a lot to me. Finding inner and outer beauty can change lives and inspire happiness. It took time to appreciate myself, but I knew it was important to love who I was on that day I decided to change. I couldn't wait until I lost sixty pounds, dyed my hair, and dated a model. It was an important step in the process to love myself immediately and not promising to love myself once I change into this image implanted into my head of what I should be.We live once. Experiencing good food, a sip of Coca-cola, and indulging should be a part of life. Since I've come to terms with myself, I've never been happier.
After reading this, you may be concerned about how being overweight is unhealthy. It is and there's no way around it. The only times I've lost weight, I've kept being healthy my goal. Health is extremely important. I'm not saying eat your way to an early grave. I'm saying love yourself before you miss the chance.
Tomorrow I'm going to my great grandfather's funeral. I didn't know him very well, and haven't seen him since I was a child. Though I didn't know him, I hope he loved himself too. His death has given me a whole new appreciation for myself. I'm happy I love myself. We can die any day. Hating myself until I reached my goal weight seemed ridiculous. I hope that you'll consider forgetting your imperfections. Learn to love yourself and those around you for their treasures, instead of judging their "flaws". Like I said, we live once. That means we have one chance to find and cherish all of the aspects that make us unique to the world. Everyone is full of them. Do me a favor and take the time to discover and applaud them. You are beautiful.
The water starts to boil, I pull out some leftover green beans and pop them in the microwave for three minutes. After answering a text message, I pour the hard noodles into the steaming water. I'm worried about the hot dogs, they have been in the hot water for a while, I turn the dial down. Finishing my master piece I pull it all together on a plate, leaving the rest in the pots and bowls for my brother to handle.
I head upstairs with my plate and start eating. The radio plays and I'm thinking about myself. I've read books and seen magazines, I've had friends who have intense issues with their bodies. I never learned how to hate myself. I've never had a problem with my weight or my nails. Which some find surprising since I weigh in at about 215 lbs at 5'2'. Modern age tells me I should hate my body, but I just don't see the reason why. I slip the slimy noodles between my lips and ponder my past. I've lost weight before. Once, I dropped 40 lbs while in a teen weight loss program, I was happy then too. Losing weight is something I do when I have nothing else to focus on, the past few years I lost more weight during the summer than any other time. I don't have a problem with gaining weight either. Last week my brother and I went out to eat at a buffet. I filled my plate with starches and enchiladas. I was so hungry. My brother walks over with some sushi in hand and looks at my plate. With disappointment leaking into his voice he says, "That's enough, Amanda"
Embarrassed I reply, "I'm hungry."
"Your eyes are bigger than your stomach," He says under his breath.
I don't say anything, I take the walk of shame to the check out. We head up two flights of stairs and eat on a balcony. The view plays across the mountains and street lights changing from red to green to yellow and red again. Cars zoom past each other and mothers hold their daughters hands. I eat everything on my plate. I'm still hungry. Slightly ashamed of my eating habits in front of a fit, ex-gym employee, I keep it to myself. This doesn't mean I don't love myself. Most people don't openly judge me, so I move past it.
I love food and I'm not afraid to say it. I love exercising too, I walk and run my dogs often now. Being overweight and learning to love myself was easier than most people think. I have beautiful eyes, and I love my hair. If I shop right, I can find the cutest clothes. Sure, more than half of Virginia has seen my butt crack from time to time, but I'm happy with myself. Listening to people complain about their bodies amazes me everyday. I have stretchmarks, two stomachs and you betcha I chafe, but I also have a bright personality, a love for dogs, and did I mention my beautiful eyes? If I focused on all of the "mistakes" my body has it would be impossible to cherish myself as I do today. Physical changes are inevitable throughout life. I'm not the same red head baby that popped out on July 30, 1993, am I? Nor am I still the skinny little six year old, who won the fastest mile in first grade. I've developed and changed, I've gained weight and lost it. I've had scars and burns, stretch marks and freckles. Loving myself has been the greatest gift I could ever give anyone. "You can't love others, until you love yourself," it's a quote that means a lot to me. Finding inner and outer beauty can change lives and inspire happiness. It took time to appreciate myself, but I knew it was important to love who I was on that day I decided to change. I couldn't wait until I lost sixty pounds, dyed my hair, and dated a model. It was an important step in the process to love myself immediately and not promising to love myself once I change into this image implanted into my head of what I should be.We live once. Experiencing good food, a sip of Coca-cola, and indulging should be a part of life. Since I've come to terms with myself, I've never been happier.
After reading this, you may be concerned about how being overweight is unhealthy. It is and there's no way around it. The only times I've lost weight, I've kept being healthy my goal. Health is extremely important. I'm not saying eat your way to an early grave. I'm saying love yourself before you miss the chance.
Tomorrow I'm going to my great grandfather's funeral. I didn't know him very well, and haven't seen him since I was a child. Though I didn't know him, I hope he loved himself too. His death has given me a whole new appreciation for myself. I'm happy I love myself. We can die any day. Hating myself until I reached my goal weight seemed ridiculous. I hope that you'll consider forgetting your imperfections. Learn to love yourself and those around you for their treasures, instead of judging their "flaws". Like I said, we live once. That means we have one chance to find and cherish all of the aspects that make us unique to the world. Everyone is full of them. Do me a favor and take the time to discover and applaud them. You are beautiful.
Right on. I'm not America's idea of beauty either, but that doesn't make America right. I've had family talk to me before about how I should lose weight, or not eat dessert, or not eat at place X but I remind them of the fact that I don't smoke or drink (which they did or do) and that they have their unhealthy habits which make them happy too. Life is to be lived and enjoyed and I would rather have 60 joyful years than 70 years where I made myself unhappy to make others minimally more happy.
ReplyDeleteTo quote a movie I never thought I'd like:
"I am so tired of saying no, waking up in the morning and recalling every single thing I ate the day before, counting every calorie I consumed so I know just how much self loathing to take into the shower. I’m going for it. I have no interest in being obese, I’m just through with the guilt. So this is what I’m going to do, I’m going to finish this pizza, and then we are going to go watch the soccer game, and tomorrow we are going to go on a little date and buy ourselves some bigger jeans!" -Eat Pray Love-
I couldn't agree more, and that's a great movie. I hope this inspires women to love themselves, and to keep an optimistic view about themselves and their bodies. Thank you for your encouragement! <3
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing person Amanda, stay strong and true to yourself.
ReplyDelete<3 Caitlin Conroy